Ray Tracer

I'm not the fool who believes in your deep blue eyes

2005-09-22T12:25:55Z

Err, brown really.

Jenny has managed to put my heart to heaven, hell, and back... twice. In a week and a half. Yesterday was my birthday. I poured my eyes out on my birthday. What fun.

Jenny and I started dating as a result of her ex pleading with me to help her get together with him again. I quickly realized that wasn't happening. Jenny and I got together a few days later. That Friday, we spent the night over and got overly physical. A few days later, she decides she wants to just be friends. A few days following that, my birthday rolls around.

We watched Der Untergang (The Downfall), a movie about Hitler. I ask Jenny to hold her hand and she starts to cry. I manage to get her to cry on my shoulder for at least an hour. After a while she starts kissing my neck and eventually leads to a makeout. After that, she says she can't be with me.

Jenny explains to me that she can't be in a relationship with me because she doesn't want to have sex, but thinks that all relationships have to have sex. She says she doesn't want to have sex, but being with me makes her want to want to have sex (yes it's confusing). I'm convinced that Amanda and I were ruined by it. I'd be more than willing to swear it off for this girl. But to have done this to me twice, what do I have left to do?

Jenny says things like "I don't deserve to be your friend" and others. We both recognize that we are still strongly attracted to each other. But this nonsense has gone on. I'm just an IT slave. Emotions are too overwhelming to deal with. This feeling sucks.

raytracer @ 2005-06-15T23:02:00

2005-06-16T03:02:42Z

(22:59:54) M31ynda: then why are all the insults directed at me you silly goose
(23:00:02) GrayTrac3r: it's all to get you closer!
(23:00:49) M31ynda: and is it working for you
(23:00:55) M31ynda: doesnt seem like it to me
(23:00:56) GrayTrac3r: not yet
(23:01:20) GrayTrac3r: ok fair maiden.. time for bed
(23:01:27) GrayTrac3r: see you later
(23:01:33) M31ynda: choke on your sheets matt
(23:01:39) GrayTrac3r: HAHA
(23:01:43) GrayTrac3r: you're awesome

Idea for micro pc

2004-09-23T18:08:52Z

Andy and I have thrown back and forth many ideas for a tiny PC. I have found a possible architecture which might be neat:

EBX form factor: 5.25" x 6" It's small enough to fit INSIDE a 5 1/4" bay. It uses a standard pin connector, or so I hear.

It's low profile by its specifications, and I can fit a slim 1/2 height cd-rom drive in the same height. I won't need to worry about a power supply, if I use it in a bay inside my computer.

Video output will be a challenge. I might have to suck it up and buy a 6" LCD and wire it myself. I've never done serious wiring before. I have a soldering iron, so it can't be impossible.

I can tear a pc speaker out of one of my derelict machines. I'll need to find sodimm memory. Hopefully I'll be able to find a board with an integrated c3 processor.. I'll probably have to find a couple 40mm fans to cool it down also.

The only practical use of this design of computer-in-computer is to be able to run something not terribly intense, but keep cpu power off of the main pc. I could turn it into a music station, or downloading machine. I can run cat5 through my case and get networking through it. I might work up some sort of unified cabling for it.. but that's just speculation.

I want to be more creative, and this is a good outlet for my ideas.

People say I should update my LJ. I don't talk about my personal life much anymore.. so I'll talk about my computer life. This is what I want to build :)

Hold me now, I'm six feet from the edge...

2004-01-22T21:30:52Z

I came again so close to ruining things with Amanda :( We were planning a big night tonight and I got called in to work. I told Ron (my boss) to check with the others before I say yes, and he called me back, saying I'm the only one left who can work tonight. I called Amanda, and told her, and she was SO pissed, and was gonna say we should "take a break for a while" which is interchangeable with breaking up. I had gotten really mad at her when she tried to make a kind gesture, some chapstick and a greeting card, but I complained that it was girly (it was purple). She told me that I don't appreciate her enough, and that she tries so hard to please me. I need to focus on her needs more, and try to make her happy as best I can. I feel so empty because in my months of "training" I never touched on this topic at all. I really wish I had, because I need to figure out ways to make her feel appreciated. She said it's not gifts or money.. there's something more to it. I don't know what though! I am dying to find out what I'm missing here, because after 7 and a half months, I missed something really important.. I'm a nervous wreck, and I can't escape the feeling of neverending loneliness. What's a young lad to do?

raytracer @ 2003-07-27T11:07:00

2003-07-27T15:06:42Z

The fucking drama. My parents are mad at me because I wrote a very impersonal thank you note to my aunt and uncle. I addressed it as Mr. & Mrs. (first name) (last name) instead of Aunt Margie and Uncle Howie. The card just said "Thank you for the generous gift" and a signature. I did that for all of em, because my mom said that was all it really needed. Now I get the third degree because the crabbiest people on the planet thought it was rude. I heard a couple months ago that they were "going overboard on a gift for Matthew" and I was all excited. I got a check in the mail from them for $25.. the lowest I got from any family relatives. I mean.. what the fuck? That's not how it works. So, after this talk, I ask my dad what was up with that.. and he said it was because I wasn't "sociable" when we went there this spring. It was only 4 or 5 days, and I had a shitload of homework. Sorry if I was an ap student that was trying to get ahead. I seriously had about 10-15 hours of homework to do.. and I talked with them each morning and when there were gatherings.. I don't see what the big deal is. My parents are demanding that I rewrite the thank you note. I think I'll protest and say that it is unjust. I think I saved myself a shitload of work by not saving it for the car ride back, because I was so sick on the return trip. I'm not going to cater to the needs of some well-off crabby people 700 miles away.

woo!

2003-06-21T05:26:15Z

I haven't posted in a long time, but I thought I wouldn't need my livejournal anymore.. Regardless, some of my friends still like to read this and I would like to give em a good show :) So.. today was one of the least populous game nights I've had. Total head count: 8. For a while, it was just Christa, Jordan, and myself. We played Upwords.. and I kept saying "an hour and a half until Amanda comes" and such.. and Christa gave me lots of dirty looks.. I laughed so much when Christa talks about how much time Amanda and I have spent together (Amanda and I are dating if anyone hasn't caught on). Smash n stuff was all fun. The best part of the evening was when Amanda and Christa were leaving.. I walked Amanda to her car.. and we kissed as Christa was driving close in her car.. she came pretty close to hitting me :P I gave a nice wave to her.

Also.. today marks 2 weeks with Amanda :) I think we'll be together for a long time.. which sounds like tons of fun.

"Even when we're through, I'm still watching you." (the song I'm listening to).

A good day that ends miserably

2003-05-30T01:08:11Z

I donated blood today. I got at the gym and checked in at 9:30, but didn't get called up till 11.. Most people take 5 mins to donate blood. I took 14. It was in so long that I couldn't think of anything but throwing that needle in my arm across the gym. The positive side is I did something "positive" and missed some classes, but on the other hand I just got grumpier than I already was today. I try to let this slide.. On the bus, my friend Matt disses me again, by sitting with my sister, who is way too physical with him, and I shudder at the thought of them. Some days I want to punch her in the face. This again.. I don't let both me. I play some Medievia for a couple hours.. and town colleagues are so unreliable and unorganized that I should kick myself if I actually were to believe it when they say they'd help me. 2 people who were going to come join me and a classmate, Ryan, decided that other stuff was more important halfway to where I was. So I stormed off Medievia and haven't touched it since. I have a semi-decent conversation with my dismal yet entertaining friends.. I eat dinner somewhere in that point, which was good as well. I decide to call Amanda to confirm our plans for tonight.. and she was washing the dishes, saying she'd call me back.. 25 mins later she calls back and says "no chance" basically.. and I have wasted an hour and a half of overall waiting for her. I felt pretty miserable by then, and being as spent as I was, I slept. I got back up, and my friend who was going to come with Nick says that Nick decided to do something else.. so I miss out on 3 people who would be coming tomorrow. I can't create a game night atmosphere to my liking if people decide that everything and anything is more important. So.. I'm positively pissed right now. Ruined evening, and already ruined tomorrow evening. My golden week has been shattered clear out of the sky.

great day

2003-05-24T05:08:49Z

I had a game night tonight. Joel, Suzi, Alex, Devin, and Jordan came. Suzi played my new game, Enter the Matrix, and the rest of us played Axis & Allies. It was fun.. I was US and we would have won, but stopped short because it was 11 already. Amanda came at like 11:45 and stayed till 1. I was amazed :) Amanda seemed really happy to see me. It had been a few days since I've seen her. We watched an episode of UCB, #209, the Meteorologist episode, where Doppler 5000 controls the weather. Amanda enjoyed it too. I wonder if she still reads my LJ.. I have been waiting so long to see if Amanda has changed.. I am unsure at this point. For now.. I play by ear and keep doing what I do well :) I am content with life.

weird dream!

2003-05-03T14:52:07Z

I just woke up from a really weird dream. It started in a huge library, where Dave n I were on these computers there, just checking out cool web pages. Then we went down some stairs, and ended up in a huge room that was pretty dark, but it had 2 rows of couches facing each other. In there, I saw so many people I knew. Among the list was Sean, Katrina, Rebekah's sister, Matt D, Joe Beck, and some people who I don't really get along with. Let's just refer to those as the Village Rats. Strange thing is.. no one there was confrontational at all, except Sean. He wanted to know how I knew Rebekah's sister.. and we argued for a while on that. I left the room and came back in, to find a well-lit room with rows of tables.. and I saw Matt M, Laura F, and Abby getting ready to play a game of euchre. At the end was Dave, talking to Sara. I talked briefly with Laura, because she's amazingly hot and I enjoy every moment I get to spend talking to her :P Then I talked to Dave n Sara.. Dave said "yo" and Sara said "Matt? Oh my god, is that you? I like your hair!" Apparently, I knew where I was by then. I was somewhere in Connecticut, where Sara went last night for her b-day, and is staying I guess 2 nights there. So, I gave her a big kiss and she seemed happy and content. Sad thing is.. things fade out after here. I remember people all huddling in a semi-lit room, and people being assigned to groups.. and me telling Dave that he got put in with the hot-chicks group. I don't remember anything after that though :( It was a great dream, though, and it's almost 11 :)

Raleigh

2003-04-17T16:03:43Z

Well, here I sit. I'm in the Wake County Public Library, in Raleigh, North Carolina. The temperature is a soothing 72 degrees. The air conditioning in the library works quite nicely. I have a man with a cell phone, a palm pilot, an d a cup of Starbucks coffee to my left. The computer to my right is vacant. I'll go into some of the details about Richmond, of which I spent Saturday, Sunday, Monday, and Tuesday morning at.

When we arrived in Richmond, we encountered many toll booth stations, which proved to be annoying. We arrived at my parents' friends house at a decent hour.. somewhere around 3 in the afternoon. My parents and their friends engaged in a ton of small talk. I stood quietly, until Michelle entered the room. She looked vaguely familiar, since she has relatives that live in East Rochester. I knew she wanted to talk to me, but was shy. I was shy for a time as well, and waited for an opportunity to say "Hey, wanna show me around the house?" She replied "What do you want to see?" I said "Anything, I'm sick of hearing our parents' conversation. I've heard the same stories dozens of times." So.. we went around the house a bit. We came up to her room. It was nice, somewhat excessive for my tastes: 2 britney spears posters, somewhat pink walls, and 2 picture frames with people who even she doesn't know. The frames were of the pictures they came with. I made a few jokes about them. So, for the whole time up until dinner, we talked about a bunch of things: school, grades, driving, Amanda (you know who you are), her boyfriend, Danny, and about how obsessed I am with computers. She seemed curious to see what my life was like. When she came last time, I was too absorbed into whatever game I was playing, probably Diablo 2. So, after dinner, some bad stuff started happening. She got into an argument with her boyfriend on AIM, and he decides to do something equivalent of "breaking up" with her. So, that was my opportunity to be mr consolation guy. I enjoyed it. We stayed up late that night talking about stuff in the dark.

Sunday was probably even better. We went to King's Dominion amusement park. I got to spend the majority of the time there with Michelle. We got sorta bored about a half hour before we were supposed to meet up with our parents. So we decided to camp out in this little atrium-like thing.. a wire frame with vines growing over it, with long benches on the sides. She found a lighter and started playing with it. It had a child-proof device on it, and I told her how to ignite it.. but she wouldn't stop playing with it. I had to take it out of her hand and throw it in the trash. She could have started something bad with it.. didn't want to take any chances.

We ate dinner at some grand american steakhouse buffet or something to that effect. It was pretty good. Michelle was mistaken for a 13 year old there, so we messed around with that joke for a while.

I'm limited on time here, so I'll end with Sunday night for now. I hope to get ahold of Michelle while in Raleigh, and see how she's faring.

great weekend

2003-03-23T20:57:18Z

This weekend has been extraordinarily fun. There are a few minor down points, but the good outweighs the bad by far.

Friday: went to my Aunt's house.. she's in town for the week from Califormia. She got me a 17" monitor: Samsung SyncMaster 171v (it's a flatscreen). Dinner was alright. We had pizza and some spicy chicken tender things from BJ's Warehouse.. really good. My aunt told me about the 6 hour CompUSA sale.. so a bunch of us went. I bought some parts for my other aunt's comp: 4x2x12 DVD-RW/CDRW combo, 64mb pc133 sdram, a cheap compusa router, 100' cat5e cable, 3' cat5e cable. It went well.

Saturday was Dave Day. I woke up at 9:30, ate breakfast, and then Dave picked me up. We unloaded the truck from 9:40 to 11 or so.. then went to get lunch for everybody. When we got back, we unloaded some more. Soon it was about 4.. Dave and I went to Chase Pitken to grab some supplies for the electricity. Then we wandered over to Target.. found not what we were looking for. Dave got absorbed into the game ads :P Then we went to Blockbuster and rented a couple movies. We got back, and I helped Dave unpack some things. Then we watched the 2 movies. The first was The Surge. The 2nd was from a recommendation by Yakov, Donnie Darko. I liked both. Donnie Darko was.. crazy.. great.. funny.. and had some hot chicks :)

Today I woke up, ate breakfast, and went over to my aunt n uncle's house.. they needed help setting up the stuff we bought at compusa. So.. after tossing things in.. trial and error.. cleaning up tons of SHIT from both comps, I get back home. My uncle is letting me borrow his 16x12x40 cd-rw drive.. yay :)

There's one major down part that I need to mention: Melynda
I haven't talked to her in over a month now. I miss her so much. What reminded me so much of her was this song:

Informatik - A Matter of Time

And there you were, your beauty caught me by surprise
I held my tongue in silence, taken
In all my life I never dreamed someone like you
Could be true, now i know it's you

Chorus:
Wherever you are i'll be waiting
I'm tearing apart anticipating
It will not be long until you'll be mine
You'll give me your heart just a matter of time

Then you were gone you disappeared right out of sight
You were the one above all, i knew
You left a hole deep in my heart that will not heal
The time has come to find you, i will

chorus

And there you are I can't believe my own two eyes
The day has come, I found you it's true
All this time and now I finally realize
My wish come true, now I'm here with you

I want you, I need you
I've got to be near you

raytracer @ 2003-03-07T06:33:00

2003-03-07T11:33:09Z

I feel as if I've withdrawn from the world. 2 weeks have passed since my last game night. I lack neither the effort nor the desire to invite people for a party. People are full of disappointment. There are ones who are your friend only if you do all the work. Such is the case with Amanda. She has left the special place in my heart. It now feels cold, and vacant. Amanda has stopped talking to me, and not showed up for 3 times in the past 2 weeks. At first, I thought to be understanding, and let it slide. Now, I care little what happens between me and her. I feel tempted to say "Let Alex have you entirely, I wish nothing from you. Please don't talk to me again." I feel vulnerable enough to let her talk her way back to me, though. My heart will harden after a few days, so I will wait to find out if she still cares.
"I can't see the hurt in your eyes. I want to say how much I'm sorry, but you won't let me apologize. Since you've been gone, it's been one long sleepless night. So please come home to where I can hold you close and tight. Cause I was wrong, but let me try to make things right. A love like ours will not die without a fight."

raytracer @ 2003-02-24T06:50:00

2003-02-24T11:50:30Z

I had a strange dream last night. I dreamt that Melynda came over to my house last night, but it was like 9:30 when she came, and I had already been in bed (although I went to bed at 11 last night). I had come down in just my big blanket and boxers, and she didn't seem to notice.. I set my blanket down, and she said "Matt, you lost your pants." I ran upstairs and got dressed.. Then I came down again. She was on my p3 machine talking to some people.. as I remember. I asked her lots of questions.. questions I would only ask myself. Topics I can recall involve.. what I'm to do about game night, socrates cafe.. how I am to deal with Amanda.. I feel really repressed over the past few days. I don't feel the need to speak my mind. I hope it doesn't bottle up entirely.. that would suck.

I gotta get some school, later guys.

raytracer @ 2003-02-14T06:43:00

2003-02-14T11:43:44Z

FAIRY TALE

nce upon a time there has a young PORNSTAR named G-1. He was PERFECTLY WHORING in the LARGE forest when he met SEXY MRPOPO, a run-away GYNECOLOGIST from the FLAT Queen MELYNDA.

G-1 could see that SEXY MRPOPO was hungry so he reached into his CONDOM and give him his REPETITIVE PASTRY. SEXY MRPOPO was thankful for G-1's PASTRY, so he told G-1 a very GREEN story about Queen MELYNDA's daughter TERRA. How her mother, the FLAT Queen MELYNDA, kept her locked away in a IGLOO protected by a gigantic ELEPHANT, because TERRA was so MICROSCOPIC.

G-1 THREW. He vowed to SEXY MRPOPO the GYNECOLOGIST that he would save the MICROSCOPIC TERRA. He would PUNCH the ELEPHANT, and take TERRA far away from her eveil mother, the FLAT Queen MELYNDA, and JUMPS her.

Then, all of the sudden, there was a EMPTY WIND and SEXY MRPOPO the GYNECOLOGIST began to laugh. With a puff of smoke he turned into the gigantic ELEPHANT from his story. FLAT Queen MELYNDA GLOWERED out from behind a CACTUS and struck G-1 dead. In the far off IGLOO you could hear a SNED.

THE END.

Make your own Fairy Tale at fuali.com

raytracer @ 2003-02-08T19:27:00

2003-02-09T00:27:10Z

Argh! I just got back from what seems like a nightmare. I was working on installing samba on my 486 running FreeBSD, and I felt sorta cold.. so I turn on my space heater. Apparently... it overloaded the circuit, and everything went dark.. I spent a while looking for a flashlight, then I headed out to the backyard.. The ourside door to the basement was iced-in, and I thought it would be pretty easy to smash through, and it could be fun. I spent about 30 mins chipping at ice with a snow shovel and the heel of my sneaker, and I thought I was almost done, but the door still wouldn't open.. so I gave up and decided to try the door in the kitchen. I had to move the microwave cupboard apparatus to make room for moving the fridge.. then I descended, and I found the popped switch.. I reset it and headed up.. finally.. I am back. So.. today also was a big day for something else.. Science Olympiad

I enjoyed many parts of it. These 3 juniors: Nick Hoh (just call him Ho), Anne, and Erika. Ho and Erika both skipped a grade of school.. and are exceptionally smart. Anne is relatively smart, somewhere around my range.. but not exceptional like the others. She watches out for them, and it's amusing. So... we talked about stupid stuff the whole time on the busride there. After some boring impounding and speeches.. we headed over to Tuttle Gym to see the Flly Wright and Storm the Castle events. Our trebuchet was 4th, at 9:30 AM I think. We predicted it to go 22 meters, which is consistent with our data.. but the projectile they gave us was a small bag filled with metal washers.. not very aerodynamic. The first launch was a misfire, going like 8 meters. The second was our scoring one, 14.2 meters. The launch also released the trigger mechanism and it was sent out of the launching area because the string knot came undone. So.. that made us suck.. The last launch wasn't very good either. We ended up placing 15th.. only 1 team was behind us at 16.. The other teams that were disqualified or didn't participate got 27th. So.. blah. The other events were interesting.. This guy, Dan Hsi, or Mr. Hsi as he likes to be called, is an avid DragonLance fan.. I noticed because he picked up my book while I wasn't looking and started reading it. He finished the 344 page book in about 2 and a half hours.. I was disappointed because I haven't had time to read, and I could never do it that fast. So.. I guess he wins. The awards assembly was alright.. not as loud as last year (thankfully :)). Alex was the only person who got 2 medals.. so he's the best person this year I guess. Fairport made 2nd place out of the 26 teams this year.. same as last year. Aaron and I talked about the motel room we stayed at last year, and the static electricity we encountered the whole time. So... that's gonna be fun. Mr. Bieg said it would be March 15th, to go to West Point.

I'm really worn out from having to pick at the ice after a long day of hard work :/ So.. I deserve a few hours of glorious gaming

raytracer @ 2003-02-05T16:17:00

2003-02-05T21:17:35Z

Hrm.. today.. is an exhaustive day. I woke up with a feeling of negativity this morning. I did not want to be in school today. The excitement in my life has subsided. All good things are not without end, and I should accept it. People have lost their interest in me. I miss being approached by many and going along with their menial little conversations. Each progressing day becomes more and more dreary. I need a break.. but on the other hand, I feel it is my obligation to uphold my responsibilities. So, I'm posed with a few possibilities. I can take this bad omen literally, and allow my urges to take control. I could lessen the amount of work and commitment I give to school. I think it would be a bad idea though. I think that instead, I should take these urges, and press them firmly deep inside, and force myself exert more than my comfortable capacity. If only I could have a simple, tangible motivation.. Life has taken a few odd turns, and I think I've been looking the other direction. It's time to buckle down, and take a firm grip upon my surroundings. I'm going to end up harming someone if I cannot demonstrate my skills with precision. Today seems like the start of something new, but what it may entail.. is still over the next hill. I'm going to take this head-on, because the fears, the shyness, the passiveness, and the weakness of my previous self has dissolved. I feel like life is going to become real. No matter what faces me, I must remain who I am. I am defined, and I will not falter.

"Hat Dir eigentlich schon mal jemand gesagt wie h?bsch Du bist?
Ich kann daf?r sorgen, da? Du auch h?bsch bleibst, f?r immer."

translation: "Has anybody told You how Beautiful You are?" "I can take care that You are Beautiful forever"

raytracer @ 2003-02-01T22:23:00

2003-02-02T03:23:03Z

Alright, this is the entire breakdown of the game night from Friday night:

Who came: Jordan, Alex C, Amanda, Christa, Matt, Alex R, Dave, Shaun, Devin

So.. we played a lot of SSBM. I won a few, not many. We watched a total of 3 episodes of Upright Citizens Brigade: Friars, Spaghetti Jesus, and Cyborgs. After much fun and excitement.. people started leaving. Jordan left first. Devin got a ride home with Amanda and Christa. Sometime during that point, I am told, that Amanda gave Alex a candy heart (of which people had been gorging on), which said "be mine" on it. Then the others left one by one, and just Dave and Shaun were still over. Shaun was playing Natural Selection on my pc downstairs, whilst Dave and I played some more SSBM, vs the computer. Amanda gave a phone call on her cell, saying she was coming back because she was bored, and made sure people weren't still over.. I thought nothing of it, and then Amanda went to check her email. I knew something strange was up at that point. Amanda came down and nodded her head with a big yes, and I said "oh fuck." So. . I asked Amanda if she wanted to play chess, and she said we should play checkers instead (since she knew how to play it). After it, she started looking at me weird.. and said "do you know?" I said I had a good idea, and that it involved a guy. She said she asked someone out this evening. I said "do I know him?" and she said it was someone at game night. I said Alex.. and she said "yeah". I tried to prevent myself from becoming angry and losing control, but I had that uncomfortable trembling sensation for quite a while after. I went on to proceed telling her how much I've liked her and why she is so special. My justification didn't seem exactly nice or what she might want to hear, but it seemed to make sense at the time. Well she said she didn't feel the same way about me, and knew I've liked her for quite a while (I had mentioned it a few times last year). We did end up agreeing that we would stay friends though. I can always imagine spending the rest of my life with her, maybe as a friend.

(new paragraph because that one is too long) I then went to saying what my uncle had told me when he came here a couple years ago. He said to me, "99% of the people you know from high school will be of no use to you. Take satisfaction in the knowledge that all those assholes who treated you like shit over the years are at the highest point in their lives. Matthew, you have one of the greatest potentials I have ever seen. Your life will only get better as the years go on. For that 1% that remains, you will make the best use of it. Never lose sight of your goals, Matthew." I can hear those words resound in my head from time to time. I can put trust in his words, because his life is much like how mine will be one day. The only exception is I hope to marry a beautiful woman one day and have a family. Well, that's enough of that.. back to the story

Amanda said she was flattered that I've had an interest in her for this long, and that I won the award for it too :) She said that in the near future she doesn't think her feelings will change. I said that I plan on being friends with her for many many years.. since neither of us are planning on leaving Rochester in the next few years. So, I am moderately comforted by that feeling. To add to it, my inferiority complex keeps me from feeling like interfering, or resentment. I won't give Alex a hard time at all about this. I have much room for improvement. I will step up the exercises I've been doing. I want to warp this situation, and take all the blame for this (although I'm constantly told I'm not to blame), and hold it deep inside, which motivates me to work only harder. I know there is a breaking point for my tolerance of self-inflicted pain, but I doubt I'm near that point. I have worked hard already. It's an uphill battle, and I will charge into it head first!

raytracer @ 2003-01-31T06:24:00

2003-01-31T11:23:47Z

Well, Amanda said I haven't been updating much.. and she was trying to read it either last night or a couple nights ago.. Anyway, I'd like to say hi to Amanda if she's reading this :) Last night, Amanda and I went for a nice walk. I think I was a bit mean, when I tried to scare Amanda, repeatedly. We didn't stop anywhere in particular.. and we circled around back to her house. It went well. When I got home, my legs felt so nasty from the wind blowing through my jeans. So.. that's it for today's segment on Amanda the Great.

Now let's take a look at my 4 new classes: Computer Science II, Lounge, Health, and British Lit. CS2 is gonna be cake, since I already took AP last year, only now it's a different language. I hope Java is gonna be easy to memorize syntax. We learned one command for outputting to the console window: System.out.println(identifier); and we used a string for it. So.. I got everything new from yesterday learned easily.
For lounge, third period, I have decided to go to the computer science room to work some more in my free time. I prefer the calmness of room 234 to the noisy senior cafeteria. I will probably be helping people finish their Spud program, where you simulate a game of "Hot Potato" using linked lists.
Health is a weird new class. The teacher, Mr. Sanford, seems like a nice guy and won't be hard on me. I sit way in the back and it's hard to read some of the posters.. I hope I'm not losing my sight even more. Katie sits in front of me, and she's a long time Joe Beck's Game Night goer. At least I'm not too alone in that class.
British Lit is gonna be fun, but a lot of work from what I see. First day of school, we got an 11 page packet to read and highlight about British history from 440BC to 1066AD. I have Mr. Vandenburg, who is the same english teacher as my sister.. so now I get 2 teachers to say how awful my sister is! Ms. Dupre already does it all the time. I think it will be an exciting challenge though, to keep me on track in the final moments of my high school "career".

So.. new classes aren't bad. I think I'll have a bit more free time now. I'm having a game night tonight, but my parents will not be home.. I have much cleaning to do when I get home. So, until next time.. thanks for reading :)

"And human beings navigate this big gut of steel. Happy faces, they don't know about the inferno. I remember this battlefield, where panic grows and fear is inside their hearts." - ReActivate - Flight 989

raytracer @ 2003-01-29T21:27:00

2003-01-30T02:28:06Z

Hey, I have not updated my LJ in quite a bit. I just got my new pc up and running (on the internet). Here are the stats, for those of you who want to bask in my glory:

K7SEM motherboard
384mb pc133 SDRAM (256 + 128)
AMD Duron 750mhz (overclocked to 840mhz)
10gig 5200rpm hdd
3.2gig hdd
32x cdrom
12x cdrom
onboard audio/video/modem/lan

Today I got in the mail my router and 100 foot cat5e cable. It took a while but I got tacked down so it looks neat going from my p3 machine up to my room. I have to figure out how to get email to work again also.. that's gonna be a pain. I'm having another game night this friday. Hopefully it will be glorious. I haven't seen Amanda since Saturday, although I've been trying hard to meet up with her since.. oh well. I've been spending a ton of time over at Matt Dubois's house. He lives right down the street, so I can just run over there in less than 2 mins. Today we played some WarCraft 3, Halo, and MechAssault. I didn't do so well, but I had a good time regardless. I have much downloading to do on my new pc. Let's see how the next few days go.. nothing big in my way yet :)

raytracer @ 2002-12-28T13:15:00

2002-12-28T18:14:26Z

It hath been many moons since I updateth mine LiveJournal. Err, no more medieval speak. Last night I had my biggest Game Night to date. It was glorious. Melynda, from Penfield, actually came! I wasn't sure if she would be able to put herself through it. She arrived about an hr later than everyone else, but no complaints here. Just seeing her for the first time makes me feel as if I have accomplished the impossible :P She keeps speaking so negatively of herself, but she's actually a lot prettier than she described herself as. She was less shy than she anticipated. Well, onto other things at the party. Jordan was REALLY loud and kept swearing up a storm trying to beat me :P I gave Amanda her proper card, which had the line in it, "Get my mother out of your pants RIGHT NOW!" I showed some people who were interested, episode 107 which has that line in it. Christa said "I had always imagined you as such a purist, minus the whole religion part. You don't smoke, you don't drink, and you don't do drugs. I thought you were normal!" And I guess I kinda shocked a few people with UCB. It's my fav show in the world. Devin, Amanda, Christa, and Alex played Risk. Christa was getting too talkative or something.. so she decided to duct tape her mouth shut, using duct tape I provided :P After the Risk game was over, after long deliberation, and poking of Amanda on my behalf :P, we played Mafia. I discovered, to my demise, that my pants had a relatively large hole in the ass.. And then Christa proceeded to tell stories of holes in pants.. I somehow managed to calm everyone down, and get the rules down for Mafia. We only played a few rounds, then Devin, left.. shortly followed by Amanda and Christa. Alex, Jordan, Sean, and Dave played SSBM while I talked to Melynda online a bit. Alex and Jordan left, and Sean, Dave, and myself played lots of smash. I won the last 2 games pretty well. I found out that I'm great as Young Link now. I talked to Melynda a bit afterward about meeting up with her again, and Bryan's party on new year's eve. I got kinda cold and had to go to bed. Last night was so great :) Thanks to everyone who came!

raytracer @ 2002-11-26T15:52:00

2002-11-26T20:51:49Z

"All the weights that keep me down seem heavier than before. Faith hits me in my face, though you feel nothing. Only time will heal, you say. Your word's my therapy, but half of me is gone. My dearest treasure torn away. I stick with you till the end of the world. I cry out loud but you hear nothing." Apoptygma Berzerk

That song came to mind when I came home today from school. I feel kinda weird right now. The song isn't exactly what describes how I feel, but it seems appropriate. Jenny doesn't seem to be talkative right now, though she is very busy at the same time. I shouldn't interfere with whatever comes first. That's part of what I like to call my "inferiority complex", where I feel that no matter what else is going on, I am less important, and I must let other people take precedence. So, I feel as if I must bear patience and whatever could be dragging me down. It's nothing bad on my mind right now though. I feel positively exuberated today, yesterday, and the day before. I have Yakov to thank for it. This is going to be a good schoolyear, I think. Everything seems right in life, regardless of what happens between Jenny and I. I am happy to see the ground I walk on every day, it's that sincerely happy I feel. Never before in my life, have I felt this kind of excitement. I hope it lasts forever :)

raytracer @ 2002-11-25T21:29:00

2002-11-26T02:29:52Z

Today was an incredibly awesome day. I'll first go back to what Yakov griphus told me about life on Saturday night, which totally changed me. He said that I've been looking at life objectively. Namely the saying "women != objects".. which I didn't understand for such a long time. I thought that I was avoiding that part, but apparently not. I was interested in a physical relationship, without the emotional parts that come along with it. That's where I screwed up. So, I know how to fix the relationship if it comes back now.. which I don't think will happen. It's nice to think that I have the capability though. What Yakov had told me was an epiphany. I feel envigorated!

Today was one of the greatest days of my life! I had a solid, positive attitude all day long. I had energy for most of the day, too. Well, most of the classes today were rather uneventful. Lunch today I handled SO well. The whole ordeal about Becky, Kailey, and this dude, Josh, has totally changed. Josh dumps Becky, and Kailey who has been waiting 2 weeks, goes out with Josh now. I know what's gonna happen in the end, and it's fun to watch. Becky feels like crap, so I'm comforting her. Kailey feels like crap because she feels guilty, so I comfort her too! So that works out nicely. Phys Ed today, we dominated the opposition with little effort. I shouldn't brag too much about it.

Today after school talking with people, was really fun. I had an abridged Environmental Club meeting today, so I decided to do a few other things. I went to the computer science room and chatted for a while. I talked to Margaret, the korean girl in my English class, there. She was staying after for detention. She told me a lot about Korean food. I'm interested in a lot of stuff about Korea. So, she told me about a place to go, called Seoul Garden (Seoul is the capital of South Korea), and it's in Henrietta. Korean food sounds really good, and very different from what I usually have. Afterwards, I talked to Mr. Neenan for a while. I told him about the colleges I'm applying to, and then about XFR and a lot of the scripts I wrote for the station, comparing it to C++ and showing what they do. He says I'm so advanced for my age, and says I'm gonna do so well in college. So that totally boosted my confidence :)

Then I went to the library. I found Aaron and this sophomore, Heather. They're really fun to talk to. Heather's friend, Lily, was pretty interesting too. She seems to be a lot like Melynda, a friend of mine who lives in Penfield. Lily is not very tall, has long brown hair, and she's part French. Hehe, but she has an interest in european history, hates spanish 3 (Mrs. Lee :P) and seems to enjoy random humor, as I do. I think I'll ask for her email address or something. She seems like a neat person to get to know. So, on the bus I had some fun also. Shannon keeps talking about the Japanese foreign exchange student, and I keep poking her, because it's fun. I think she's turning Tomoya, the Japanese guy, into a slave. It was hilarious.

Today was such a great day because I had a positive attitude. I hope many more positive days like this happen. I believe in it! It's so incredibly wonderful. It's beyond words! Yay!

raytracer @ 2002-11-23T10:47:00

2002-11-23T15:47:07Z

A new thought came to mind. What if I have been subconsciously setting myself up for this situation? Early in the summer, I came to realize that I am envigorated by the feeling of sadness. I am most productive mentally when I am at my lowest. Did I actually set myself up to this situation right from the start? Can my subconscious mind plan every single aspect of this out, and let my intuitions guide me into this exact path? That is such a dark and twisted concept that I just stumbled upon in the past few minutes. Did I end up hurting and disappointing dozens of people just so I could make myself feel utterly hopeless and sad out of my mind? I would like to think that is out of my power, but it is a horrifying realization. Right now, I do feel miserable and able to write at an ability far beyond that of my normal style. Indeed, I know what I have felt. What will beome of this? Only time can tell.

raytracer @ 2002-11-23T09:22:00

2002-11-23T14:21:41Z

The song Seabound - Hooked is enveloping into my life even moreso than before. Here's the lyrics (from www.seabound.de )

Pounding heart you shake me
I have never been so close
To an earthquake
Take my word I'm trembling
For I know
What I have felt

Pounding heart believe me
Rain is sweeter than
The spring water fountain
Take my hand and lead me
To a place
For us to melt

Into one another

Think the inconceivable
Desire the untouchable

I've come to understand that bliss
Is quite impossible and if
I'll ever find a way
I'll claim another life

I've come to understand that kiss
Was quite impossible and if
I'll ever find a way
I'll halt the turn of time

Pounding heart awake me
I have never been so far
From the shore
Waves mount up around me
Still I don't want to go back

Loving heart believe me
Your sincerity will
Give me the strength to
Work my way through the sea
Memorize the words you said

Think the inconceivable
Desire the untouchable

I've come to understand that bliss
Is quite impossible and if
I'll ever find a way
I'll claim another life

I've come to understand that kiss
Was quite impossible and if
I'll ever find a way
I'll halt the turn of time

The lines "I've come to understand that kiss\Was quite impossible and if" mean even more to me now than ever. Last night I pled my heart out to Jenny to ask to have her back. She seemed totally nonresponsive to anything I said, saying "no it won't work" and "it did mean something" and "things have changed". I spoke with true effort from the heart and I feel like I got shot down. I'm not sure if that's the final result, because I told her to carefully think about it until today. I might see her in person today, not sure. I just woke up, and I thought so many painful things, and felt I need to release somehow, somewhere. I never thought I cared for somebody so much as I do for Jenny. I feel as if I'd travel great distances, climb great hights, and walk through fire to be with her. I am willing to take as much humiliation, torment, punishment, as needed. I would enjoy it, knowing there was a chance still. I told Jenny that I wanted to be the rock, the object that can endure all forms of pain. I want to be beaten brutally, if only to have her back. I deserve it for what I've done. It's so hard to fight back tears, even as I type this. It was even harder last night talking to her. I feel right now as if I've rammed myself into a corner, and the only thing left to do is pull the trigger.

raytracer @ 2002-11-22T21:16:00

2002-11-23T02:16:03Z

ok I apologize. That was totally out of line and that was my ass talking there for the most part in my previous post. That's not how I really feel, and I was hiding a lot. So, I know what I wanna do now, and the aforementioned stuff is pretty much irrelevant. I'm sorry for all those people I offended when I said that.